When I was a kid, I tried to find love from my parents but I failed.
My parents were too busy with their own issues and conflicts.
They were both hurting and so they chose to hurt me as well.
Then I got into a relationship still trying to find the love I never got from my parents.
I thought I found it but from the wrong person.
It was never love at all because he made me hate myself more.
I started to withdraw from the world and rebel against everything in my life.
I was so consumed with anger, fear, guilt, doubt and worry.
I even decided to end my life three times to no success.
Got into depression and the people around me won’t hear me out.
They said to just pick myself up and move on.
They said I am just wasting my life for nothing.
They said I am smart so I should start acting like one.
So I tried to believe what they told me.
Finished college and broke off with my boyfriend.
Thought I finally found freedom.
I started drinking almost every night.
Flirting with some guys here and there.
Then I met someone who I never thought would be my husband.
Entered into a relationship with him but I was not looking to get committed.
Then I got pregnant seven months into our relationship.
He was 18 at that time and I just turned 20.
Life couldn’t get any better for me.
I waited 6 months before I told my parents.
My mother cursed me and told me she will never ever talk to me again.
My father, I could not really say how he felt.
How would I know? If he was not drunk, he might be on drugs.
When he is sober, we don’t talk much.
My whole family looked down on me.
Again, I was a big mess and a total failure in their eyes!
What’s new? Once a failure, will always be a failure.
They insisted on us to get married but I resisted.
Marriage was not on my terms. I just want to keep the baby.
I worked my ass off as a manager of a known food chain.
Worked more than 16 hours on weekends.
I informed the company about my pregnancy when I was on my 7th month.
I asked for my mother’s help as I could no longer take the whole burden.
My mom felt pity on me and so she took me back.
After giving birth, a new world was opened for me.
I thought maybe I have found the love that I have been looking for.
I now have my own family.
Before my son turned 2 years old, I went to London.
Not to visit the queen but to work for the future of my family.
Before I left, I got married with my son’s father so I could bring them to London.
I had to go first before them so I left them for 4 months.
I will never forget the sleepless nights and thoughts that would bother me even at work.
Was my husband having an affair?
While he was in the Philippines, he denied it several times when I asked about it.
And time came when I finally got reunited with them.
Thought it was a happy ending but not.
It was the start of another nightmare in my life.
1 week after they arrived in London, I was able to confirm my suspicion.
He cheated on me.
How could he do such a painful thing to me?
I thought he loved me.
What have I done to him that made him do this to me?
Should I forgive him and accept him?
I did not want to hurt my son and I wanted to have a complete family.
Or maybe I was not willing to let him go because I want him to prove his love for me.
It was painful to see him so confused.
Why was he even confused? Does he love her more than me?
The thought of that made me hurt so badly I wanted to end my life again.
I cried for help from my parents so they sent him back to the Philippines.
I thought it was only in movies where someone tries to go after the person they love but fail to catch them in the airport.
I wanted to jump from the train and I texted suicide messages to my parents.
He called me early morning when he arrived in the Philippines.
We talked over the phone and continued our communication.
I thought and I wanted to believe that he has finally chosen me.
So I fought for him and made a way to bring him back to London.
Worked hard to earn money to support him when he gets back as he can no longer stay with us.
It was not easy fighting for him against my parents and my whole family.
But I did thinking I was doing the right thing after reading so many articles on how to move on with your marriage after you have been cheated by your husband.
Years passed and things got okay.
We were living comfortably and saved enough money.
We decided to go back to the Philippines and just open up a business.
We failed every business we got into and we were broke.
We were selling most of the stuff that we bought when we had all the money we could use.
For 4 years, we could not get out from our messy and stressful financial situations.
We are in so much debt and we kept on failing in every attempt of getting back up.
More arguments that lead to physical and verbal abuse.
So many times when we had no money to put food on the table.
A few times that our Meralco line was disconnected.
We had no water for almost a week because we cannot afford to pay.
Our house was foreclosed and we had no idea where to live.
A few times that we were threatened of not having a place to stay.
But it was during these times that God found me.
It was during these times that God revealed Himself to me.
All my life that I was in so much pain and trouble, I prayed but never really knew God whom I was praying to.
All I knew then was that He is the one I can run to when I am in need and when I am in trouble.
It was during these times that I kept asking Him the question WHY?
Why is He allowing all of these bad things to happen to me and my family?
Why is He allowing me to be in so much pain and misery all my life?
There were so many Why questions that I wanted an answer.
I attended Sunday Worship Services at CCF Alabang.
I kept on saying to the Lord to take control of my life.
I kept saying to Him that I want to surrender my life to Him.
In the midst of all the storms in my life, I still felt nothing.
But I continued to read the Bible.
I kept on praying and I kept on listening to His messages.
Sometimes I would understand His message and apply it to my life.
But there are still more days that I am worried about everything that was happening in my life.
I felt so low. I thought I was smart. I thought I was an achiever.
How come I am letting all these things happen?
I was relying on myself. I was relying on my effort to anlayze what was happening.
I knew the sins that I have committed and the wrong things I have done.
I know I am lier, deceiver and manipulator and for the longest time, I thought there was no way I could come clean to God.
I thought I had to be the best and be able to do good things before He will accept me.
So I thought maybe He is punishing me for all my sins.
I felt the battle between my guilt and my need to be forgiven from my sins.
Who am I to ask forgiveness from God when I have sinned all my life?
And there was pride of asking help from Him.
I could not really understand what I needed to do but I knew in my heart that I wanted to surrender to Him and I could no longer run away from Him.
There was nowhere else to go for me.
I felt nothing. I was nothing when I thought I was somebody or that I could be somebody.
I couldn’t remember the exact time, exact date where I felt the love of God for me.
But this message that I have known even before has changed my heart.
“For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
I was part of the world that God so loved but He gave up His son for me to be saved from my sins as long as I accept Jesus Christ in my life as my Lord and Saviour and that He will grant me eternal life.
Finally, I have found the love that my heart has been looking for.
The kind of love that only God could ever give.
A love that will never change. A love that is so secure. Never ending.
A love that is so strong and overflowing.
A love that loves me for who I am.
A love that makes me feel I am important to Him.
The kind of love that is always available .
With all the troubles and pain that I had to go through in my life.
I will never regret all of it.
Because God has prepared my broken heart to completely receive His love for me that will mend and fix every broken pieces of my heart.
Now I know God loves me and its all that I need.
God’s love taught me to forgive, to be faithful to Him, depend on Him and obey His commands.
I am still a work in progress and I am no way near to perfection.
I still stumble and make mistakes with my choices and decisions.
I still have troubles, problems, trials and sufferings but God’s love is bigger than all of it.
He gives me peace in my heart and in my mind knowing that He is now in control of my life.
Thank you for your love for me, my God!
To God Be The Glory!